I’m a lady, jackass.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet…I use a lot of, what I like to call, colorful language. I don’t exactly know when it started, but I’m fairly certain while other babies said things like “mama” and “dada” as their first words, mine was “goddammitt”. My mother told me that my dorm mother once called her and told her, in her Argentinean accent, “she’s not a bad girl, she just says a lot of bad words”. True, as Samuel L. Jackson said in (one of my favorite movies ever, Long Kiss Goodnight), “You used to be all, darn, I burned the muffins. And now you go into a bar and sailors come running out.” I like to cuss. I don’t just like it, I love it. It completes me. It’s pretty much my religion (sorry mother, but let’s face it, everyone already knows). I just might be one of the best cussers on the planet. It’s an art form. It takes extreme self control to keep it in check at work and other environments where it wouldn’t be appropriate. But this has led me to develop a skill where I can be extremely pleasant and proper to your face and my brain is screaming, “are you fucking kidding me right now?” I probably say the word “fuck” in one or more of it’s millions of various forms, 17,000/18,000 times a day.
In addition to dropping the f-bomb 17,000 times a day, I’m also somewhat smattered in tattoos. There’s a least a dozen in various places and I’ve covered some a couple of times. It’s a work in progress. But the point is, I don’t exactly look like a sweet debutante. I have used this phrase to describe myself, “I look like Tim Burton’s version of a southern belle”. Point is, words like, “precious”, and “darling” aren’t typically used to describe me. But…despite all of this…the cussing and the tattoos and the “resting bitch face” I have…I’m still a lady, asshole. And deserve to be treated like one. I’ve noticed of late that as we women go out there and kick more ass than we ever have before, men are starting to treat us, well, like one of the guys. Not cool, fellas, not cool. I may look like your mother’s worst nightmare, but I am still extremely feminine, and don’t want to hear about your gross boy stuff, and talk about batting averages with you. So, I’ll break it down for you, nice and simple, like you fellas like it.
1. Please stop farting in front of us. Unless you are in the hospital, then farting in front of women is totally ok, in fact encouraged, because no one wants to disimpact you. But otherwise, take it to the potty. No woman wants to hear it…much less SMELL it! Seriously, we aren’t savages. Have some decorum. When you go on your guy’s weekend…fart your ass off in front of each other. Light that shit on fire, film it, and put it on Youtube. But then come home, and don’t.
2. Driving like you are a Nascar winner scares the shit out of us ladies. We are women. We are protective and nurturing by nature. We don’t like things like accidents, and dismemberment. Dudes like fast cars. Guys, bros. Fellas like driving fast. Us ladies, well, we like getting there alive. My neighbor drives so fast that you arrive at your destination before you leave your home because you’ve actually traveled faster than time…it scares the absolute shit out of me. Now, I’m not saying that I drive like a grandma, I don’t. I drive the appropriate 8-10 miles over the speed limit, I follow 2 car lengths behind, and I’m not texting. I’m not driving 95 miles in the fast lane in the pouring down rain, or following so close I can see the other driver’s stupid kid’s DVD. Save that breakneck speed for your buddies when you get your mid-life crisis car.
3. Eating food so hot that you literally cry, or get sick. Why? Why? Why would you do that to yourself? I like spicy food. But seriously, 911 shouldn’t need to be activated.
4. You know that new WWII movie that just came out? Yeah, see that one with your buddy.
5. Talking about your sexcapades. This lady does not want to hear about it. We have this guy that we know who completely forgets that I am a lady and he will say the most inappropriate stuff in front of me! I know that I am vulgar…but I’m not sexually vulgar. That’s gross. Keep it in the locker room fellas. You’re forty-five, none of your friends’ wives want to hear about you “hitting that”…nope.
6. Anything booger or mucus related…gross. Double gross…hocking loogies is for guy’s weekend. Unless you want me to throw up on your shoe.
7. Sports statistics are something that you should discuss when the gals from your office aren’t eating lunch with you. Because we don’t care. Even if we like the sport. We still don’t care. Unless the world record of something has been broken, we don’t care.
8. Pranks. I graduated from middle school. I’m good on the fucking pranks. I don’t understand why you would want to purposefully scare a lady! When the hubs and I were first dating (dad, don’t read this part), we were getting ready for bed, and I was carrying a glass of water to bed with me and the future hubs jumped out of his bathroom into the hallway to scare me…and it worked…and I spilled my water all over myself and starting crying. Now, is that something you should do to a lady? Here’s a newsflash fellas, ladies don’t like to be scared. We like to feel things like, safety and security. So, enough with the pranks…we’re good.
9. Lying to woman because we are women and you think that you can get away with it because we are women and we don’t know any better. Case in point. The empty lot next door has a house going up. When they unloaded the machinery to clear the land, an excavator, the driver backed the excavator up, cracked a tree limb in the median, then when they pulled forward, the limb ripped and tore, but not completely, to the ground. Part of this limb occluded the cul-de-sac. So, when I got home, I politely asked the excavator driver if he was going to move the limb. He looked me square in the face and said the following, “I didn’t do that”. Really? Really sir? Are you fucking kidding me? I responded with the following, “okay, so that limb has an acceleration/deceleration tear in it and tire tracks leading away from it and you didn’t do it?” He, looking me in the eyes, says, “It was like that when I got here”. I was FIRED up when the hubs got home, Oh, boy! Do you think the excavator would have said that shit to the hubs? Hell no, he would have told the truth. But because I’m a dumb girl, I wouldn’t know any better. That shit makes me H-O-T under the collar. We may be ladies, but let’s face it, the jig is up, we ALL know that we are smarter. So don’t lie to us, it just makes you look like the douche you are trying to hide by lying in the first place.
10. Hurt our feelers. We are ladies, remember? Yeah, I know I’m a super bad ass, and my heart is made of dense, dense, black, soulless steel…but I still have feelings. And they get hurt. Fairly easily. Save the insult comedy for your golfing trip, coworker who punches you in the shoulder a lot. I know that I didn’t remember the normal urine osmolality, I forgot it for 2 seconds, you needn’t call me retarded. That’s the equivalent of the nut hit, which I will never understand…like girls would ever go around punching each other in the quim…it makes NO sense to me. I digress…point is…just because we now work in the same job as you, make as much money as you do, run faster, punch harder, outsmart, outwit, outlive you…we are still ladies…so treat us accordingly.