Where the men aren’t

Last week the hubs and I met some friends out at what the young kids might consider a “hip joint” for some drinks. A good time was had by all, in part because there was plenty of people-watching to keep us entertained. We even played, “If you had to”, which is played by looking around the bar and picking the person in the bar you would sleep with. The hubs and I always try to guess each others’ and he’s always right…it’s not a hard guess, look for the old guy and that’s usually the one I’d pick (I like my men old and rich, I got one side of the equation right with the hubs). But, on this particular evening, pickings were slim. As I looked around this huge, hip beer garden I saw a whole lot of boys, and besides the men I was with, there were no men. No men! Where have all the men gone? I can tell you who have replaced them based on the population of this hip joint…tiny, skinny boys with skin softer than a baby’s. What the hell? Is this what is passing for a man these days?? Whew…dodged a bullet there! I can’t even imagine trying to look for a suitable man when these are the choices! No wonder my single friends are single…there are no men left!
Remember when men wore plaid and they weren’t being ironic? Remember when men where men? What happened? Is that not cool anymore? I wanted to stand up on the bar table and take a survey. “Raise your hand if you know how to change a tire.” “Who here has changed the oil in their car?” “Give a holler if you have chopped wood.” Ya’ll know what I’m talking about, right? Let me explain…
1. A purple lavender suit. I had the luxury of watching this hipster in the wild, in his natural environment. I saw women hit on him and he actually had chicks buying him drinks!!! Are you kidding me right now?? Ladies, the men buy the drinks! But, back to the outfit…when did this become hot? Don’t get me wrong, I find the hubs extremely sexy in a well tailored, black suit. Or a grey one. But never, never, ever, ever a lavender one. Never. Where did that guy even get a lavender, slim fitting suit? Did he make it? He had a little polka dot shirt on under it too, with a matching lavender tie. Ladies, you think that guy is going to defend your home when bad guys break in? Good luck with that.
2. Speaking of defending your home, how are you going to fight off the zombies when you only weigh 97 pounds? Do they feed young males now? What is the deal? Good Lord, the boys these days would be crushed to death just trying to move a futon! A 23 year old dude should be in the best shape of his life, not look like he is a character in a V. C. Andrews novel. Eat something! Then go outside where there is this big orb in the sky called the sun.
3. Suspenders that hold up skin tight pants. Why? Why is this necessary? Are your skin tight, peg legged pants in danger of falling down? You can’t even carry your keys or wallet in those tight ass things, what is weighing them down so that you need suspenders to hold them up? You know who looks good in suspenders? World War II vets, that’s who. And, for the record, they are much better company.
4. Saddle Oxfords. Seriously? It’s not 1930. We are not at prep school. You are not Matlock.
5. Peg leg rolled jeans. It looked ridiculous when us GIRLS did it in the 80’s and it looks even MORE ridiculous on you fellas now. Stop. Stop it right now. Unroll your pants now please and cover up your ironically striped socks.
6. Pompadour hairstyle. There is only one Bruno Mars and you ain’t him.
7. Your electric car. I know, I know, shoot me. I am aware of how amazing your plug in car is and how your carbon footprint is -50 but, get a gasoline powered engine and grow a set. You don’t need to save the environment; you will never be able to reproduce due to the tightness of your lavender suit there will be no people left to enjoy Earth in a couple of generations, so why do you care about your carbon footprint? And you smoke constantly, wear leather and drink 15 Starbucks a day, so you really aren’t as environmentally hip as you thought you were, so just get a combustible engine already and call it a day.
8. Giant Glasses. I know that the genetic pool hasn’t gotten so shallow that all 20-29 year old guys need glasses. I know ya’ll can see. I know there aren’t real lenses in those Sally Jesse Rafael’s you are wearing, you know the ones you found in your mom’s junk drawer, so just take them off and give them back to you mom. She wore them in the 80’s along with her shoulder pads and giant clip on earrings…maybe that will be next year’s hipster boy trend.
9. Your ambition. Where did it go? I had the pleasure of talking with a 31 year old, yes, 31 year old boy in suspenders and saddle oxfords who told me that he came down here for “the surf”. Okay, first of all, you’re 31 and your parents paid for you to go to college, get a job. Second, if you are going to move somewhere for “the surf” move somewhere that has “the surf”. I’m not saying I don’t love our beaches, but if you are planning on moving to SC for the giant waves, let me save you the trouble. Those waves you are looking for are on the other coast. You know the coast that would super love your giant glasses, electric car, and the fact that you don’t have a job.
10. Your inability to do manly tasks. It totally kills me that young guys don’t know how to do basic dude stuff. And shame on you dads for not teaching your sons how to change tires, fix toilets and chop wood. If lavender suit clogs his toilet, he will just run screaming from the bathroom and cry real tears while his girlfriend gets out the plunger. I’m not saying the hubs goes out and chops wood and starts fires with flint all day…but he could if he had to. Hell, so can I for that matter. Dudes should have hands that have calluses, and a smidge of dirt under a nail or two. Guys should have a least one pair of jeans that have grease stains and dirt on them that weren’t purchased that way.
Look, I’m super happy that women have come all this way, and we are killing it in the workforce, and bringing home the bacon, and having kids, and doing it all, and all of that jazz. But, why did that have to happen at the expense of real men? So, come on fellas…take off that lavender suit. Grab a pair of jeans, that weren’t made for your 12 year old sister, throw on a pair of boots and feel your balls bloom…they’ve been smushed in those tight pants for way too long. Boys, rip off those tortoise shell, fake lens glasses and buy a girl a drink, pay for her dinner, walk her to your gasoline powered car, open the door for her, and drive her home. Man up boys!! Lavender really is more my color (not really, I only wear black like the color of my soul, but you get the point).