Irregardless…

Let me be clear about one thing…

Irregardless is not a word.  Never has been.  Never Will. 

If you leave this life having learning NOTHING else, please take that little gift with you.  My dad’s mother used to say it ALL THE TIME.  This, was a crime of the highest offense to my mother, or perhaps you know her by her offical royal title, “Grammar Police”.  Among the other things that mother policed (as well she should, after all, she’s our mother.  Who do you think we are?  Savages?), the improper usage of grammar was of the highest offense in our house.  Remember when you were a kid and you did something you shouldn’t have or you forgot to take out the garbage (yeah, that’s right YOLO’ers, we used to have these things called chores…Google it) and your mom would tan your hide?  Well, my mother made us look up words like, “responsibility” and “accountability” in the good old hardbound edition of the Oxford English Dictionary (also of note to YOLO’ers, dictionaries and all other books used to come printed on actual paper and bound in heavy card stock or leather…again, see Google for images) and write an essay on the meaning of said word.  For the record, ya’ll who got their hides tanned, won.    Now, as an adult, I have come to appreciate the grammar policing that went on at our house.  And though I may have a slight (read: extremely thick) southern accent and use silly words and abbreviations, I have a knowledge of the rules of grammar and in my professional life and communications, I try to apply said rules to the best of my ability. I should also go on to thank mother for instilling in me the compulsive need to point out other’s grammar mistakes.   Thanks mother.  

 Now, while we are at it, let’s just all get over another thing…since we put literally everything we think, say and do on the interweb, we are going to be busted making grammatical errors.  Someone will point out that it was “you’re” not “your” and you will feel like an asshole and contemplate jumping off the Ravenal bridge, but please don’t.  This too shall pass.  My sister in-law provided some post-posted edits to my first and second blog posts.  And I felt like a true ass.  How dare I sit on my high horse and then turn and show my extreme ignorance to the entire world!!!!  What was I thinking??  Truth, like most great writers (pun intended), I usually pay homage to Hemingway while I write, so there…Don’t judge, or do, I’m still funnier than you are.  After I got over myself five minutes later, I was actually grateful that she pointed them out.  The next week while writing, I sent her a draft and ask her to look at it.  To me, it’s far easier to just push that “post” button and throw it out there before you can obsess about it too much, so I was quick to post my writings.  Far scarier is to have someone you love read something you wrote and then they think it’s really stupid.  But, I sent it to her, and instead of telling me I was an idiot, she fixed my mistakes and sent it back.  It also made me really read and look over what I wrote the next week.  This whole thing…not just the blog, but our lives in general, are all about learning and applying what we have learned…but please, without taking ourselves too seriously. 

But also, please without trying to make yourself look smarter by using “big words”.  Let’s revisit, “irregardless”.  Why in the hell would something be “ir” “regardless” the “regardless” is the “ir”.  It’s redundant, redundant.  When people say it in front of me, a little bit more of my tiny, tiny, black, soulless heart dies.  And let’s face it, I don’t have a lot to spare.  I once told someone that, “I have made a lot of concessions for you already” and they responding with this gem, “I didn’t get any snacks”.  Died.  Me, in morgue, then at memorial floating over my body while hubby said things like, “She was a good women…well, sort of”, then me burning in hell for eternity all because some idiot did not know that “concessions” is like most other words in the language that we are all suppose to speak (here in my neck of the woods), and it’s called, English.  Now, I’m not saying that ya’ll shouldn’t go around saying “ya’ll”, and yes, we southerners know it’s not a word, but it’s what us highfalutin people call, “vernacular”.  This “vernacular” also explains why when a southerner asks you the following question, “do you want a coke?” the next thing out of our mouths is “what kind?”  You see, in the south, all drinks that fall into the category, “soft-drink” or (God forbid) “pop”, we call “coke”.  And if we ask you if you want one, we will then need to know what kind. 

This “Vernacular” is one of the reasons I love being a southerner.  We say some fucked up shit.  No wonder no one can understand us!  No wonder the rest of the world is so intrigued by us and our crazy ways!  We say the strangest stuff.  Of course, we are all familiar with “bless his heart” and we all know that means we are about to say that person is a fuckchop.  And you can be equally as assured that we are about to say something wicked if we say, “I’m not tryin’ to be any way…but…”  For me, though, it’s the more obscure southern sayings that honk my hooter…if you know what I mean. 

For example, if someone is being drunk and stupid, I might say, “that guy is as fucked up as a soup sandwich”.  We call some ghosts, “the hag” and if something is wrong with you that your family doctor can’t fix, you can go on down to the “root doctor” and have that “taken off you”.  If you have a syncopal episode in church, you “done fell out”.  As in, “we were reading the psalms, and he done fell out!”.   If you are diagnosed with diabetes, here it’s called “the sugars” as in, “my daddy (pronounced: diddy) had the sugars too”.  If you ate too much, you might be “full up as a tick” or just “full up”.  “Honey”, “Pumpkin”, “Darlin”, “Baby”, “Sugar”, and “Sister” are terms abundantly thrown at women down here, and it’s not offensive…unless you say it the wrong way.  Then trust, Julia Sugarbaker will come out of us quicker than lightening and you WILL rue the day you met us.  And also, trust, that as southern women, we can tell the difference.  “It’s a fer piece” means,” it will take you a while to get there”.  “As the crow flies” says,” it is really close, but it will take you forever to get there by car”.  If you are related to me, you are my “kin”.  When you want something stupid and you are being a whiny baby, we will say, “well, people in hell want ice water”.  If you step out of line, we will have a “come to Jesus” with you.  Or, if you are me, it’s a “C to J”.  If you are a little different and/or crazy, we refer to you as “touched”, as in, “Loris’ boy took off his clothes at the Founders Day parade and strutted through the town square, but he can’t help it, he’s touched”. And if we want you to fuck off, but want to say it with a smile on our face, we will say, “have a blessed day”.  We shorten words and cram words together that don’t follow any grammar rules learned in class.  I embrace these words.  They really are the fabric our distinct culture’s weave.  And I’m proud of our weird sayings and words.  We would not be southern without them. 

But please, and I beg of you, stop it with the “irregardless”.  You have been warned.