Oh, when did you get your job protecting the President?

When in the HELL did we all get so important?  Seriously, just the other day a nurse manager friend of mine told me she had a potential employee show up to an interview…with. A. Bluetooth. In. Her. Ear. That is literally the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!  And, BTW, she wasn’t being interviewed for the position of Chief of Critical Care either so there is ABSOLUTELY no reason that should of ever happened.  But it did.  And here’s why.  We have bread a culture of VERY important people.  The only problem is, there are VERY few important positions for all of us to fill.  Some of us have to be just regular ole people who work 10 hours a day, and drink cheap wine, and eat Taco Bell, and just be VERY important to a select few people.  Along with the enormous sense of entitlement has come the death of something very near and dear to this southern girl’s heart.  Manners. 

A couple of weeks ago I was picking up Chinese for me and the hubs.  Friday night, small place that everyone loves.  Packed.  I was patiently waiting my turn to tell the hostess that I was just there  for take-out, when this fella, who couldn’t have been more than a couple of years older than me, pushes (literally) past me and announces to the hostess that he is here for his take-out.  Are you fucking kidding me???  I then had to stand behind him at the bar whilst he waited very impatiently to be helped.  Just in case you were wondering, yes, he had a wedding ring on, which means that some woman LETS him behave like that in public! Shame! Shame on you.  In the 7 minutes it took for him to get helped, I ripped him a new one in my head at least 5 times.  But, I never said a word…and do you know why?  Because I have MANNERS!  I know I’m an obnoxious, loud, sarcastic scary lady, but I still have excellent manners.  You can have your cake and eat it too. 

I know that not all of us were as privileged or punished, depending on which way you look at it, as those of us who attended cotillion. But, regardless of what you think of me, I attended. Wanna fight about it?  Surely you can see that my privilege didn’t make me normal, for god’s sake!  But that coupled with living with Emily Post’s reincarnation for a mother, I got this covered.  So, here is my list of rules that as, of now, we will ALL adhere to.

 1.  Sidewalks.  Last time I checked, I live in America.  And coupled with the fact that I live
(gratefully) in the best city in America (thanks Southern Living and Travel Mag and countless other accolades!!!!), and in America well yield to the mutha fuckin right!!!  Hello?? When you approach someone on the sidewalk, step to the GD right and we will ALL be able to make it to our destinations without wanting to commit Hari Kari or at least capitol murder. 

2.  The grocery store.  You will keep your cart on the side that you stand.  You will peruse the products from the proper place on one side of the isle…not taking up both sides…you know, so I can pass…what a novel idea!  I’m all for you checking out the cool and weird foods that you will be preparing tonight as I also will, but I respect the isle.  I don’t clog it, and nor shall you.  It has been written.  

3.  Letting you in front of me in traffic.  If I let you into traffic in front of me…throw a hand up!!! How hard is that???? I just raised my karma score at least 1 point for doing said task and I expect you to lift a sorry ass arm in a lame attempt to jus t say, “I recognize another human being has done me a solid”…three times last Friday, I let assholes in traffic, and…nothing!! Not even a wink in the review mirror…are you kidding me?

4.  My neck, my back, my neck and my back. If this is not an accident where you are harmed…then move. The. Fuck. Over.  Seriously…

5.  Holding the door.  My attorney friend just told me that she held a door for an entire family…Including the husband!  Now, she’s not from around these parts, but I assured her that NO southern man would let a woman hold the door for him!!! Appalling!!! What is wrong with you men??  How DARE you walk into a doorway in which a chick is holding the door for you!  What are you?  A savage?

6.  Your stupid ass cell phone.    Seriously, who are you talking to?  There is NO one I need to talk to on my commute to work at 0600…please!  What could you possibly have to say at this godforsaken-hour?  I guarantee you’re not calling in the launch codes!  Just get off your stupid cell phone and drive your fucking car!  You are not the only person on the road!!! 

7.  Your stupid ass kid.  I think I’ve said it before.  He’s not as cute as you think he is…he, in fact, is full of germs.  I don’t, as a stranger want to hug/hold/entertain him.  You had him, not me…deal with it!

8.  Thanks…for anything…ever.  When I do you a solid, say thanks.  Will it kill you?  Probably not.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that the person that did you the solid will be delighted that you gave a shit!  That’s all us mannered people ever want, for you to give a shit about our impeccable manners.

9.  Eat what they serve or shut your stupid face.  And I’m not talking about your anaphylaxis reaction to shellfish.  I’m talking about that broccoli salad you hate.  If you have a legit allergy to something, anything, I get it.  I have allergies too, oddly, berries of all things (and I sups love strawberries), but I hate broccoli.  But if I come to your house for dinner and you’re serving broccoli…I will eat it like it’s the most delicious thing I’ve eaten post apocalypse.  I will ALWAYS eat what you serve me, even if I hate it, because you really took the time to make a meal for me!  That’s a big deal.  Eat what you are served and shut your stupid face.  Will it kill you to suck it up and eat your bestie’s Nanna’s driest roast beef on the planet and then get into a fist-a-cuffs because there is only 2 ounces of gravy to try and moisten Nanna’s roast…no, this will in fact, not  kill you, but it will in fact build character and give you a great memory to giggle about post 1 bottle of Pinot with Nanna’s granddaughter who BTW is so fucking cool that she’s the direct descendent of one of the most famous Civil War witnesses in the history of our fine country.  You eat Nanna’s roast, goddammitt and you like it! 

10.  And finally…Texting whilst driving should result in an immediate death sentence by firing squad or hanging or lethal injection or stoning or being fed to a pack of wild, starving dogs, or given a one way ticket to North Korea.  Take your pick.  Again, YOU DON’T PROTECT POTUS.  So, please, stop acting like it.  Get back to using those good old fashioned manners your mamma taught you.  Because, as a resident of the best city in America, I can tell you…your terrible manners piss us off.  And, of course, ya’ll have a great day!