Dolphins Are Assholes

 By now we all know that dolphins are crazed sexual predators that also loathe humans and will leave Earth just seconds before it’s destroyed singing, “so long and thanks for all the fish”; but back in the day, we all thought dolphins were the greatest thing ever.  They, in fact, are not.  They are, in fact, assholes.  And here’s why…

 I walked into a bar on Broad Street in Charleston, SC one night back in 2000.  I saw an Italian sitting next to my friend.  I fell in love.  Many moons later, that same man gave me a canister filled with sand for Christmas. You might be thinking, why in the hell would a man give a chick a canister filled with sand, as I was on that day, but as I was instructed to reach inside; I found a figurine with two penguins in bathing suits drinking beers.  Further into the canister, there was a piece of paper, burned around the edges, rolled up with a piece of twine…Oh, this mutha fucka is smooth.  The piece of paper invited me to join him on a Caribbean vacay. 

 Naturally, I immediately said “St. Maartin!!!!!”  Smooth Italian’s response was, “if we go to Mexico, we can swim with the dolphins”.  Fucking sold!!  Check that shit off the old bucket list!  I did mention that this was 2000, I was 23, and I don’t know what kind of fancy lives ya’ll have led. But, a man that I totally dug was taking Me. Out. Of. The. Country. AND. We. Get. To. Swim. With Flipper. And. His. Friends.  I thought I had died and gone to heaven!  Swoony McSwoonerson.  I’m in love!

 We arrive at posh all inclusive and they literally start squirting liquor in our faces.  We put our shit in our room.  We put our swim suits on.  We went to the pool bar.  We drank mãs alcohol.  Smooth Italian did a naked head stand in the pool to prove to the naked German tourists that he was not afraid to get naked in public.  Smooth Italian did not account for the swim up pool bar ledge.  Smooth Italian breaks nose.  This girl spends her first night at posh resort watching ‘Friends’ re-runs and listening to Smooth Italian snore.  Good times. 

Now, you might be thinking that I am just out to embarrass Smooth Italian (or all men in general).  No, no I am not.  What happened to me is much, MUCH more embarrassing. 

 Picture it…an outdoor amphitheatre at a Yucatan outdoor amusement park.  I’d say, seats about 200-300 people.  I’d say it was a fairly busy day.  We hope in our life jackets, walk down the ramp, and here we are with six dolphin swimming all around us!!  I was freaking swimming with dolphins!  Is this a dream?  Yes, yes, it is a dream. A terrible, terrible nightmare.  First of all, those fucking assholes hated me. And of course, they fucking LOVED the Smooth Italian.  They were all over him!  They wouldn’t come anywhere near me.  This one flippered asshole was rolling over and letting Smooth Italian rub his fucking belly.  Are you kidding me?  We have 7000 pictures of Smooth Italian with the goddamn dolphins and 1 of me.  And that’s only because he was with me and the trainers were making them jump over us. 

 But it gets worse. 

 As we were wrapping up this lovely adventure, the trainers give us one last surprise.  They inform us that we are going to individually swim out into the middle of the lagoon, lock-up our knees, and two dolphin were going to push us across the lagoon while people watched, AND they filmed the whole thing for a souvenir.  Umm, people don’t throw terms like graceful, or coordinated toward me.  My husband has had to install safety measures in our house, and we don’t have kids.  Sometimes he finds blood on the butcher’s block, and is like, “babe, where are you bleeding from?” and I’m like, “damn, look at that, I need stitches”.  So, based on this, I was, needless to say, a bit afraid of doing this activity.  Especially in front of a lot of people.  On video. 

Smooth Italian goes first.  You know, to show me how it’s done.  Well, as per, he fucking gets up there and those dolphins push him across that goddamn lagoon like it’s his fucking career choice.  He was a natural.  We have a picture of him up on the dolphins’ noses with his arms in the air like a goddamn spokes-model.  The dolphins gently deliver him to the platform at the end of the lagoon and the crowd goes wild.  He’s a fucking hero.  My turn.  I swim out to the middle of the lagoon whilst at least 200 hundred pairs of eyes looked on.  Families from all over the world, vacationing with their families, enjoying a picnic and watching stupid Americans pay money to swim with what one might consider a perfectly good supper.  The trainer blows her whistle and fucking rockets blast me from under water and hit the balls of my feet.  I buckle like a drunken sorority girl in fake Louboutin’s and fall into the water.  This happens again, twice, all whilst I’m begging the trainer to please just let me skip this part of the fucking “experience”.  Finally, pissed, embarrassed, and needing a beverage of the alcoholic variety, I mustered all my coordination and strength, and was like, self…”fucking get this shit over with”.  The dolphins hit my feet with mega force and again I shoot out of the water.  But! Wait!  This time, I don’t buckle!  I’m up…I’m fucking up and this is kinda bad ass.  Wait, wait, wait…what the fuck is happening?  Why are people laughing and pointing??  What’s that draft?? Why god? Why is this happening????  I’m flying through the lagoon and my bathing suit bottoms are not safely secured around my fat ass.  They are around the dolphins’ stupid asshole faces, as they have shot my tankini bottoms right on off of me and are now making a show of my fat pale ass.  It looked like a beluga whale being beached by two rabid dolphins.  And it’s all on film.  And my fairly new boyfriend is watching. 

I die.

I grabbed my tankini bottoms while screaming bloody ass murder.  And. We Got. The. Fuck. Out. Of. There.  Immediately.  I was MORTIFIED.  Beyond!  I would not let hysterically laughing Smooth Italian buy the video (which, BTW, I obsessively search on Google just to make sure that someone hasn’t put that fucking thing on YouTube).  And we went back to the posh resort where I took the longest shower in the history of the world and then proceeded to drink my face off. 

Now, 14 years later I still laugh out loud when I even think about that day.  We still have the stupid picture of those assholes jumping over us framed in our den.  We still tell this story at parties and when we meet new people.  It’s one of many “go to” couple stories that all good couples have…which we are. 

 Oh, and yes, I did quote Douglas Adams.  I’m a nerd.  Wanna fight about it?