Lifestyle guru…seriously? This is where we are?

I have an important public service announcement: henceforth we will cease referring to, at one time famous actors, as “lifestyle gurus”. Seriously, I’m supposed to take “lifestyle” advice from someone who doesn’t clean their own house, make their own meals, drag their ass out of bed at the crack to exercise and/or go to work. I totes get it, you had a good run on Nickelodeon or Disney or whatever the kids are watching these days, and you’re not really talented enough to be an “A-lister”, and a gal’s gotta make a living, but please spare us the verbiage. Just say what you are doing: some company pays me to hock their shit. Do you honestly think that these ladies are bothering to come up with this stuff, which sometimes is great stuff, but let’s get real here. Instead of “lifestyle guru” why don’t you just call yourselves, “b-list celebrities with good taste”. I get the appeal of your “b-list” status, you’re rich, but you know, not that rich, and us little people can relate to you, so the target demographic is huge, but I’d like us all to just get a little more serious about the ridiculousness. Instead, henceforth, we will call these folks, the aforementioned name, and the following people will get “lifestyle guru” titles:
1. The gal who works two jobs so she can give her kids a better life. And I’m not talking about works two jobs as a spokeswomen for toilet paper and a talk show host (and I do totes love that chick, so this is in NO way meant to insult her or any other celebrity endorser of goods). I’m talking about the radiology tech that also waits tables. She’s more of a lifestyle guru than most. She can make 50 dollars worth of groceries last a week! She’s sewn a bumble bee costume at 2 am after working a double. She can fix a flat tire and make a wholesome meal. Which she does, by herself, everyday. We all could learn some shit from her.
2. First responders. The folks are calm as hell during a situation that would have most of us literally peeing in our pants. Have you ever had someone pull a gun on you? Thankfully, neither have I, but I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t be calm about the situation. Then, these folks go home, after having massive amounts of adrenaline pump through their body all day, and still have to mow the grass and patch the gutter. That’s a guru people.
3. Anyone in healthcare. I’m constantly amazed by the healthcare workers who take care of other peoples’ loved ones all shift, then go home and take care of their own loved ones. So that is basically providing 24 hour care to someone for your like, 40 year of your life, non-stop, without a break, ever. And you still have time to have fun, and take yoga, and have a supper club, and get your kids to camp, and do that food drive for your church. I’d spend a day learning your time management skills any day over someone with 2 personal assistants.
4. That super fit person that you know that doesn’t have a gym membership and a personal trainer and a personal vegan, non-dairy, organic chef. Yeah, that dude/chick that pounds the pavement at 5 am and curls veggie cans while cooking dinner for their family. That’s a bad ass lifestyle guru right there.
5. Small business owners. Dude these people work and stress their ASSES off. They kill what they eat ya’ll. Do you know how stressful that is? I do, I grew up in a home where the food on our table was directly related to the success of my dad’s business. And I’m married to a man who’s family (before they retired) were business owners. That shit is hard. And you never go on vacay, cause someone has to mind the shop and when the alarm goes off at 3 am because a branch fell on the yard fence and you have to drive to the industrial park to fix that shit and then come home only to get up at 5 to open shop at 6, then work til 5 every evening. Ya’ll know what we have here? Some lifestyle gurus. My devouring work ethic was bred from those gurus. Not some chick that can make a super tasty kale caesar.
6. Service Members. Anyone who can give their lives for country and freedom…willingly putting themselves in danger…holding down the work force at home…supporting a family…keeping my ass free and safe…well, do I even need to say it? Gurus at life, ya’ll.
7. Service Members families. I miss the hubs if he’s away for a freaking weekend. And we don’t have kids to take care of. And our parents are all healthy. I can’t even imagine for a minute keeping my shit in one sock if the hubs was deployed for 6 months and it’s even more mind blowing to think about if we had kids! I can’t! I would be an absolute basket case. These men and women are left behind and keep that shit together and lunch is made, and kids get to school and grandma gets to her doctor’s appointment all while your loved one is risking his/her life! That is some SERIOUS lifestyle guruing right there. These folks should have their own show! Or a column in People Magazine!
8. Farmers and their families. Now, ya’ll that chick on the Food Network, she actually qualifies in my book as lifestyle guru. Farming is hard work and the women that support their farmers, manage ranches and farms, cook for everyone, know how to hunt and can. That’s some bad ass lifestyle guru skills right there. My mom’s mom was a farmer, and that was one bad ass lady. She could shoot a snake and make you the best biscuits you’ve ever put in your face all before 10 am. She could sew, grow food, slaughter food, defend her land, fix her tractor, and give the best hugs in all of North Carolina. I’d watch that show? Did I mention she was in her 70’s doing this business? That’s a lifestyle guru TV show idea! Excuse me while I pitch my idea to HGTV: “Granny Gurus”. Ya’ll watch that, right? I’d rather see an 80 year old woman show me how to make fig preserves than that chick from Clueless show me how to chew up food and spit it in her kid’s mouth any day of the week.
9. While we are on the topic of our older populous, folks who have been married for more than 30 years. All of you deserve to be called “lifestyle gurus”. Because that’s a long ass time to be married to someone. To put up with their own unique brand of crazy for all those hours, minutes, days, months, years…it’s WAY more impressive than someone who has a show about her marriage, and her and her husband have been married before (numerous times) and one is publically unfaithful. You know who should have a show about marriage. My crazy parents. They’ve made it for 45 years and Jesus H, knowing the both of them; you don’t get through all that without a little bit of guru in you.
10. People who are truly living the American Dream. Both of my in-laws immigrated into this fine country, worked their asses off for many years, and were productive members of society. They came from hardships and, let’s be honest, some not so great conditions. I hear occupied Italy wasn’t all that fun during the war. But here they are, retiring after truly living the American Dream. My father-in-law still eats an apple this day, core and all. He doesn’t waste food. He takes no things for granted. He was sweeping public libraries at night at 12 years old and teaching himself English on his breaks with the access to all those books. Trust me when I tell you, he’s come a long way from sweeping floors, and I’ll take ANY lifestyle advice he wants to roll this way. Plus, he’s hilarious and wildly inappropriate so that would make for an excellent TV show.
These are the true “lifestyle gurus”. I’m not saying we should stop reading the weekly celebrity magazines, or not try that gluten free recipe that chick that just “uncoupled” from her husband makes…try away! I’m sure it’s awesome. If you like that kind of stuff. But what I am saying is, let’s smarten up. Let’s let “b-listers” amuse us, show us a cool way to repurpose that end table that your grandma left you, but let’s let the REAL “lifestyle gurus” be our teachers. How do you think I got so smart?