I was on my way to work this morning at o’dark-thirty when I saw this dude walking down the street, in the middle of the road, dressed for work, caring his lunch box. Now, he wasn’t walking on the sidewalk which was literally five feet away from him, no, not this fella…he was walking in the middle of my lane. So, I had to drive around this fella into the other lane so that I would not kill him with my Mini because he couldn’t be bothered to walk his lazy ass the five feet to the sidewalk. This enraged me. And, as per, it got me thinking about all of the other stupid, thoughtless shit we let people get away with these days because people are no longer required to follow the rules that society has laid forth for us. And, just like all generations before me, I have begun to wish that we could go back to the “good ole days” when people had their shit in one sock, and things were just, well…better. Now, I know that it’s totally not okay to say this, because we aren’t allowed to tell people that they are being stupid, but ya’ll…people are being stupid. Really stupid. We are reverse Dawrining ourselves right off this planet. Nice work us.
We have to take a stand ya’ll. Please, can we please bring back a smidge of old-school values and good old fashioned common sense? Now, before ya’ll think I’m archaic. I love modern technology, and most modern culture, but come on! Ask yourself, do you know to come in out of the rain? Can you change a tire, or sew a button on? Do you know how to write in cursive? Do you know that physically you are no match for a moving car, even a Mini? Can you walk and chew gum at the same time? Can you recall, from memory, your bestie’s phone number? Well, you aren’t alone…everyone is an idiot these days and we need to consider not tolerating the following any longer. Join with me, together, we can get put that idiot on the sidewalk and explain to him why we all paid a one cent extra tax so that he could walk to work safety and securely. Please, can you help? And unlike these other programs that want you to save the world, I’m not even asking for your money. Just cease tolerating any of the following:
- Okay, pedestrians. We have sidewalks for a reason. Please use them. Are you making some kind of statement by walking in the street as opposed to the perfectly fine sidewalk right there next to the road? And if so, can someone please explain what your statement is because, honey, we aren’t getting it…if I knew what wrong doings the world had done to you to make you shove your nose up at not only commons sense, but actual laws, and choose to not use the sidewalk, maybe I could help. Is the sidewalk so oppressive that you risk life and limb just to prove something? Or, is your house on the side of the street without the sidewalk and this angers you because you voted for the sidewalk to be on your side of the street and so now you are showing your defiance by refusing to cross the street? Are you just lazy? Do you assume that I’m not drunk behind the wheel and aren’t going to plow into you? Do you assume that I’m sober behind the wheel and will serve to avoid your highness, endangering myself and/or my passengers as I have to face head on traffic? In the future, can you either carry a sign or have some sort of shirt printed up that explains your refusal to use the GD sidewalk…thanks.
- The bike lane. Yes, Lance Armstrong, I fucking see you. What I don’t see, however, is your narrow ass in the proper bike lane. What I do see, is your narrow ass biking in the road, impeding my ability to get anywhere in a timely fashion. Yes, I get it, you are more fit than us fat asses in cars. But, if you are SO superior, then why can’t you see the bike lane and ride in it? Does that helmet you paid more than my house for obscure your vision? If so, the one the hubs got me from the sporting goods store was thirty bucks and I can see just fine…when I ride my bike in my neighborhood, on the sidewalk, as not to get in the way of the giant, motor driven beasts that frequent my lands. Do you think that back in the days out on the plains, the buffalo would have gotten out of your way because you “feel” superior to them? If so, I’ve perfected time travel and would really like to see you ride head on into a buffalo herd on your uberlight three thousand dollar bike.
- While we are on the subject of getting in the way of cars…there is this guy who roller blades backwards down the middle of the road in my neighborhood where sidewalks are abundant. Stop, just stop it already. Why in the hell is this man:
- Still roller blading in 2014?
- Doing it backwards?
- In the middle of the road?
- Always in a short (too short) tank with bike shorts on?
- If your kid gets in trouble at school…let’s all agree that you should STOP blaming the teachers. It’s your kid’s fault. Always. Adults are right, kids are wrong. HELLO? Has my entire generation forgotten what school was like? If I got in trouble at school, I got it double time at home! What the hell ya’ll? Don’t yell at your kid’s teacher…it’s not their fault that your kid is stupid and/or ill-behaved. That’s YOUR fault. Be a better parent, have a better adult one day. That’s how it works.
- Treating wait/service staff like poo. It will no longer be tolerated. Tip them well or stay the fuck home and make your own stupid supper and clean up your own stupid kitchen. Waiting on people is hard work. It should be required that we all should have to wait and/or work retail for at least one year of our lives. Being rude to people who are working to help you, in general, is a bad idea. This also applies to people like: cops, EMS, nurses, doctors, the gal at the seven-eleven…you get the idea.
- Discarding our elderly. This. Pisses. Me. Off. At the hospital, people love a “pop-drop”. Happens all the time. Literally, folks will just drop their elderly at the ED and go on vacay. It’s terrible. Then, when we try and send mom home, they refuse. We stick our elderly in homes, and visit them once a week. These are the same people that fought for our freedom and worked in factories to keep America going while the other folks were fighting for our freedom!!!! Stop it, stop it right now.
- You know sometimes when you meet a complete stranger and they proceed to tell you their ENTIRE life story? This should be unacceptable. Why, why, lady on the elevator, would you tell me that your bunion is really bothering you? Why, why, stranger at party, would you tell me that your doctor just tripled your dosage of Seroquel…I don’t need to know this information. Ever. We have all been there, you meet someone, they ask, “oh, what do you do?” and then whatever career you are in, will now be used a source of free expert opinions for the duration of your cousin’s baby shower. It drives nurses crazy, and I know that my lawyer friends say the same thing. Most of my doctor friends usually don’t disclose what they do because it’s not worth it. I’m going to start telling strangers I’m a lawyer and see how much terrible legal advice I can give. I went to a wedding last summer and I, of course, was in all black, and one of the groom’s friends ask me if I was a dominatrix…maybe I’ll go with that. But until I get up the guts to tell complete stranger that, could we all just agree to keep your crazy to ourselves? Thanks.
- All reality shows involving idiots getting drunk and having sex and getting into fights and spending money and being SUPER trashy. Why is this happening in America? No wonder we are so fucking stupid. Can someone lawman PLEASE pass a “anti-EToH fueled shit show” law where these shows are declared unlawful and all broadcasts of said category of show will NEVER air again.
- ALL “self check-out” lanes. WAKE UP AMERICA!! Part of the price of your groceries is to pay for someone to SWIPE and BAG your fucking groceries…why in the hell would you self check-out? This makes me completely MENTAL! I don’t go to my yearly physical and draw my own blood!!! These stores are ripping you off. I’m just sayin.
- Gluten-free, non-dairy, vegan, paleo, wheat free, soy free, lactose free, sugar free, BPA free diets…ya’ll just eat what you love that loves you back and don’t make such a fucking political stance about it. Very few people have Celiac disease…seriously, very few. I’ve never heard someone on their deathbed say, “I wish I’d eaten less cheese”. Please enjoy what you put in your face. You may not live to be 110, but trust me when I tell you, you don’t want to live to be 110. The ones that do, are genetic freaks and it their diet wasn’t a factor. You think that the generation that is 100 years old now, didn’t eat bacon and fatback and milk and bread and pies? The bottom line is, eat what you like, but don’t make such a big fucking deal about it. Unless you have the recipe…if you have the recipe, then I want to hear about it.
Ciao Y’all 