Wanna know what really sticks in my craw? People who live here (the south-as if you didn’t know), who moved from elsewhere in the US, and they get here and they steady bitch about the following: the south, southerners, hotness, humidity, lack of good “gabagoul” (I have checked with the Italian hubs and that’s not a word…in any language), our pace, and other things about living in the south. Now, please don’t get all bleeding heart on me and say that some people don’t have a choice about where they live…well, I ain’t talking about those people. I’m talking about people who chose to move here and then hate it…or seem to anyway.
Now, I realize the south isn’t for everyone. It takes a special type of person, only a select few can thrive in this environment. Meek need not apply. We are tough, we are outspoken, we aren’t afraid of hard work (well, we used to not be afraid of hard work [good job YOLOs]). But we will also let you in, in traffic and be nice to you and give you legit directions and not touron (tourist + moron = touron) directions like we really, REALLY want to. We will give you the shirt off our backs, and we are super nice. But we don’t like it when you come down here and then bitch about it…go home, seriously, go home. Your loud clothes/mouth/car/home/children/husband are not needed here. We are doing just fine. Do like we do, go on vacay to a place that you like to VISIT but not live and spend a couple of days there. Get it out of your system. That way, you go back appreciating home, yet you had a lovely time in our little neck of the woods…and they best part about your visit is that you hand pick the weather. There is a very good reason why people don’t go to D.C. in August for vacay. It’s for the same reason you aren’t going to like it here your first summer you live here. You are going to hate it. It’s hot. And humid. But, and I can’t stress this enough. Keep. It. To. Your. Self. Much appreciated. And so for you, my friends from off, here’s a bit of education. Oh, and also…you have a blessed day.
- Your winters may be harsh, my Yankee friend, but you ain’t been miserable until it’s 105 degrees outside with 110% percent humidity. That’s hell’s half acre to you and what we call everyday day in every August for our entire lives. Here’s the thing about your harsh winters: you can always put on more. But, as you may be aware, there is only so much you can take off in public before it’s a problem. Let’s try an experiment: us southerners will put on a bunch of sweaters and hats and leggings and scarves and gloves and wool-lined rubber boots, and ear muffs and those little heat packet thingies you can buy at the gas station that you stick in your gloves and wool-lined rubber boots and we will all go sit in a meat locker for 45 minutes, and everybody in Wisconsin can put on a three piece suit and go sit in a sauna for 45 minutes. If you moved here from “off” which means anywhere but here, I would suggest you stop doing the following: a. talking about how bad the winter is compared to the summer here like it’s a fucking competition and b. stop pretending like your cold is worse than our hot. I’m assuming that you did some research before you upended your entire life and moved here….you should expect that it’s going to get hot. And in our neck of the woods, that starts in April and ends, well sometimes, never and sometimes around Halloween. But there have been many a Christmas spent in shorts and a tee because it was hotter than 17 hells on Christmas Day.
- If you don’t like things that conservatives like, then don’t move here. I mean seriously…why would you want to surround yourself with people who you don’t agree with? That you criticize and bitch about on the reg. Why would you do that to yourself? You know where there are beautiful beaches, and great weather? Florida…and they are a swing state, so you will LOVE it there. There is a reason I don’t live in Utah, you know what I’m sayin? Again, I’m assuming ya’ll Googled “the south” at least a time or two before you put your Brownstone on the market. So you know that we are, what is commonly referred to as a “red state”, right? Now, please! This is NO political discussion…it won’t be…EVER. I hate debating politics with people…It’s not my business who you vote for and what you believe nor is mine yours. Again, that’s why we vote in private. But, if you move here, you are going to need to accept that this state is conservative. Now, do I agree with everything that we do around here? No, of course not, but I ACCEPT them because I chose to live here in a place that I thoroughly enjoy and aren’t going to let a few idiots ruin for me. So, please exit to the north if you can’t get over and/or past our political views.
- Let’s just all agree that when you sign up to live in the south, you agree to greet someone and make eye contact when you walk past them. Any other behavior is unacceptable.
- Your yellow car is not welcomed here. We use our personalities to stand out in a crowd here. The following color cars are acceptable: black, white, silver, gold, blue, tan, and garnet. The same goes for your giant chain with a 5 pound diamond encrusted cross on it dangling there in your exposed chest hair, sir.
- Speaking of cars…we don’t feel the need to drive so fast that we arrive at our destination before we left. I know you think that you are super important and have somewhere super special to be, but I like Sunday drives in the country as do the rest of my southerners, so you are just going to have to cool your jets. Edisto isn’t going anywhere, calm down already. And blowing past me with your finger in the air is super classy sir. And Please, don’t get me wrong, I’m going OVER the speed limit. It’s not like I am going 35 in a 55…I’m going 60 for Christ’s sake! Didn’t you move to the south to “slow down” and “take it easy”? Well, then fucking take it easy.
- In other ground breaking news, our cuisine isn’t the same as yours. You will not find Chicago style pizza here, or a good Philly cheesestake sandwich, or a good Italian beef sandwich, or a good gluten free-dairy free-vegan-raw anything, or smoked fish for that matter. Those things can be found elsewhere, outside of the south. Please stop bitching that the Harris Teeter doesn’t carry the same Pancetta that the Italian deli in Little Italy does. If your life revolves around this, then do not move here. Ever. Just visit. Visits are good. We will let you try the shrimp and grits…it’s even okay if you don’t like them. We understand that breading and frying unripe tomatoes isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I get that you have never even heard of tomato pie. But try it, you’ll like it, I promise. The like and/or dislike of tomato pie should hence forth be the entrance exam to living here. If you don’t like tomato pie, then son, we just can’t help you here. You belong back in Little Italy.
- Also, we aren’t in a hurry. Calm down. Sit. Have a drink. Business gets done down here. It gets done on our time. If you need to do everything at break neck speed, then this ain’t the place for you. And if you still choose to be here knowing that this ain’t the place for you, you can’t bitch about it. Just have a drink and chill out. We will get to it, I promise. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
- Socks do not go with flip-flops unless you are a Geisha.
- If you don’t like people to know your business, don’t move to the south. And, Lord in Heaven, don’t move to a small town in the south. Southern women are the best sleuths in the world. And in turn, most of us will tell you anything you want to know.
- And finally…why did you come here in the first place? Why did you uproot your life and your family and move here? Why did you leave your comfort zone and pack up all your belongings and traipse across the US? Is it because it’s fucking awesome here? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Ciao Y’all 