Become an RN, Hilarity Ensues

Now, I’m not sure if ya’ll are aware of this…but, I’m a nurse. I’ve been one for almost a decade now and I can say that I sure as hell haven’t seen it all, but like most nurses, I’ve seen my share. And yours too. Nursing isn’t something that I knew I wanted to do until a couple of years after I graduated from university (sorry dad), so two days after my wedding, I started my first nursing class and the rest, as they say, is history. Besides marrying the hubs, nursing is the BEST decision I have made in my life. Hands down, no contest. Hubs first, nursing second. That is my life and I wouldn’t change it for a thing. All of my nursing sisters and brothers out there will tell you that it truly is a calling, because there is ABSOLUTELY no other reason why anyone would do it! It’s hard, it’s gross, it’s stressful, it’s challenging, it’s hilarious, it’s heartbreaking, it’s frustrating, it’s frightening, it’s someone’s life in your hands…and that’s just the first thirty minutes of your shift. If you are married to a nurse, then God bless ya, if one or both of your parents are nurses, then God bless you too, because it ain’t easy being our support system.
But if you think we sit around yammering on about hating our jobs, then you would be (mostly) wrong. We all have shit days, and some of us (and you can spot them a mile away) need a new line of work, but for the vast majority of us, we freaking love it! I mean, like love it. We love our jobs! How many of you can say that even when you are tired, and sick of it, and would rather kill yourself than get out of bed, still love your job? Now, like I said, I’ve only been a nurse for ten years, but in honor of last week’s National Nurses Week celebration, I thought I’d share with you some of the lighter side of nursing. Perhaps some of what I’m sharing below explains why my nickname at work is “Nurse Ratched”.
1. When I was in nursing school I had a patient who thought he was Roy Orbison. Not,” oh, I know I look like Roy Orbison”, he actually believed in his heart of hearts that he sang, “You Got It”. He dyed his hair black, wore the glasses, talked like him…the whole nine. We called him Roy and he wore all black every day. He is who I credit for choosing psychiatric nursing. How can you not love a man who thinks he’s Roy Orbison? If you can’t find the humor in that…then why are you even reading my blog?
2. Giving a kid with Tourette’s Syndrome the big stick during drum circle isn’t the best idea.
3. When one of the doctors I work with is on service, he always parks next to my car. We call it “buddy parking”. Yes, I know it’s stupid, but traditionally in hospitals, doctors are exalted on high and nurses are, well, not. So the fact that he goes out of his way to park not in the doctors’ lot (you know, near the good pastries and coffee), but with his old lackey, me….it’s a nice gesture.
4. If you spray a bunch of Aquanet in an old lady’s coifed bouffant, you can get through a lot of unpleasant odors. What you may not know about nursing school is that usually the first clinical experience you go through is in a nursing home. Nursing schools do this for the same reason Marines go through Paris Island. It weeds out the weak. Nursing homes are hard work and sad work. If you can’t handle this…then please do us all a favor and drop out now.
5. The first time I put an NG tube (in through the nose, down to the belly) in someone, he projectile vomited…so did I.
6. I had two schizophrenic patients one time that both thought they were Cherokee Indians. One guy was African American and the other was white. Each spoke their own version of Cherokee and they would sit there for HOURS and talk to each other in a made up language that neither one of them could understand. One day, during group, I asked one of them to write out a daily plan on the easel. He did so in his “native” language and the other guy just sat there nodding his head like he totally knew what was going on. Ya’ll! You can’t make it up! Brilliant.
7. Don’t put the patient who looks like Jesus in the room next to the lady who thinks she is carrying Jesus’ baby.
8. The following sentence has come out of my mouth: “No sir, you cannot put rubber bands around your penis to stop your erection, so please don’t do that again”.
9. When I worked in an ED, the following two letters become the highlight of my shift: “FB”…for those of ya’ll who don’t know what that means, it’s: foreign body. And what that means is someone has something in a place where God did not intend it to be. That can mean a nail in the eye, glass in the hand, or…something else. It’s the “something else” category that makes your shift worth getting up that day…this counts double if you work the night shift, because Whodini wasn’t kidding when they sang, “The Freaks Come out at Night”.
10. You can put a bumper sticker on one of your doctor’s cars that says, “that what she said” and he won’t notice it for like, weeks. And then when he takes it off, you can just replace it the next day with one that looks just like it, because you bought like a dozen of them for like ten dollars. This will entertain you for months.