There is a lot of over-sharing going on these days. And it’s everywhere. Social media, television, magazines, that text message you just sent me. And I’m here to ask you stop. Just stop it already. Seriously, no one cares and it’s kinda embarrassing…for you. But these days, everyone tells everyone everything. Instant gratification! Everyone look at me! I got out of bed today! I should get a ticker tape parade! I think everyone should know everything about my life all the time always! Please stay interested in me 24/7 or I will wither and die! Is this inappropriate? I don’t care; I’m showing you my reconstructed nipples anyway!
As I type, the hubs has some trashy TV show on where the host reads lie-detector test and DNA results to screaming idiots. Please tell me why you would go on national television and scream at the top of your lungs that he is in fact, “MY BABY DADDY”, when in fact, you know that he is not your “baby daddy”? I don’t understand this concept. Why would you want a national audience to know that you don’t know who the father of your child is? Is there no shame left anymore? And this is just the tip of the iceberg…you know, the one that has crashed into America and is now sinking us like the Titanic? That one. Society is shameless these days. There is nothing sacred, nothing shocking, nothing private. Isn’t that a bit sad? I find that sad. Now, I realize that I do not live in a glass house. I will admit that on occasion I have over-shared on social media. There is usually alcohol involved. Shocker. But, the point is, I will proudly go to my grave without the majority of the United States of America knowing how I look when I’m drunk and throwing up, or what my vagina looks like, or my duck face, or my dirty laundry (both physical and metaphorical). So today, I ask you, my fellow Americans, let’s stop with the over-sharing. And in that vein, the following things are no longer allowed to be shared and/or displayed. Thank you for your participation.
- Family decal stickers. Stop. They are the worst. Seriously. There are fifty thousand reasons you shouldn’t put a fucking stick figure family on the back of your stupid minivan, including but not limited to:
- You have just shown complete strangers a great deal about your family, you know, the children you are trying to protect. So basically you have just pulled up to the park and shown the child molester that little Suzie has a baby brother, one dog, one cat, no daddy and loves Disney. Good job.
- We know you have a family, you’re driving a minivan. Never seen a stick figure family on a Mini…my point is…it’s implied.
- No cares how much you love Disney.
- How many miles you ran today. I get it, you’re super fit and I’m fat. I don’t need you to rub it in my face. We all VERY excited that you ran 5.2 miles today, but remember when that was only something that you gave a shit about? Can we go back to that time? Who did you tell before social media? Did you have to wear a shirt that said, “I’m in shape”? No, of course not. Just as people can tell by looking at me that I didn’t run 5.2 miles today, they can tell that you did…because you’re super fit and your body is fantastic.
- How badly you hurt yourself today. I can’t watch that video that your bestie took of you falling down in your 6 inch heels and breaking both of your ankles whilst shit-housed. Ya’ll, people see that! People see you fall down while yelling at the petty-cab guy and then your tiny short dress flies up and your quim is hanging out and then you get compound fractures in both ankles because you HAD to look like that Kardasian girl expect your shoes cost 35$ and hers 3500$ so your heels aren’t stable and you bust your drunk ass on all that cobblestone and the whole world knows about it. Does this not embarrass you? I’m not easily embarrassed, but Jesus H, ladies, get it together! My brother took the most hilarious video of me doing an interpretive dance to “Love Lift us up Where we Belong” at a wedding reception, but you don’t see that shit on youtube. Not going to happen. That video is reserved for close family and friends. Not my 5th grade math teacher.
- How much you love, love, love your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/mistress/whatever. Here’s a newsflash…you aren’t the only people in the world who love each other a sickening amount. Those of us that are happy do too, but we don’t have to go on yammering about it. And please, please someone explain to me the bumper stickers that say, “I love my wife”. Well, good for you! You’re supposed to love your wife, asshole, that’s why you are married. You want a fucking medal for that? I don’t get it. Are those bumper stickers a joke? Because I don’t get that either.
- Conversely, I also don’t need to know that your significant other has wronged you, and/or cheated on you. That is something you should tell your therapist/attorney/priest. Not everyone on planet Earth. Now is not the time…it’s fresh. Please get over it, work through it, eat, pray, love…whatever you have to do to get through this terrible thing that has happened…terrible PRIVATE thing that has happened to you. Trust me, you will regret that 3 am Facebook post later, when things are clearer. The bestie clause needs to be amended to state that if there is either a death or a breakup, all technology will be seized until such time as the griever is deemed fit for social interaction on a grand scale. In other words…a long, long time. Perhaps even a year.
- You know what I love to see shared on social media? Pictures of your brand new puppy/kitten/turtle/fish/reptile. You know what I don’t love seeing pictures of on social media? The last picture you took of your recently dead dog/cat/turtle/fish/reptile. Remember when your family pet died, and ya’ll had a little funeral and everyone went outside and your dad buried your pet and you put some rocks and or a stick-cross to mark the grave? And then later, you would see your friend, and they would say, “hey man, what’s up?” and then you would say, “dude, my dog died this week” and your friend would say, “bummer, so sorry” and then ya’ll would move on with life? Remember that? Can we go back to that time? Please don’t get me wrong, when my dog Max died I wanted to go with him. I was absolutely, wholeheartedly devastated. I did not, however, take out a billboard on I26.
- “In Memory of” car decals…please stop this. Here is a crazy fact: all people have people in their life that they love very much and then those people die. That does not make it okay to put a decal that covers the ENTIRE back window of your car that says, “In Memory of Bob, RIP buddy 1972-2013”. And it’s somehow worse when the decal is for a dog or a cat. Or if there is a picture included in the decal. I don’t know if this ridiculous car emblazonment is popular in your neck of the woods, but in the south people LOVE to put that shit on their cars…I don’t get it.
- All the fabulous shit you are doing while I’m at work. I realize that this is petty and technically not over-sharing. But you have to admit a little part of you dies every time you check Facebook or Instagram at work and someone is doing something super cool in your city/town/parish. Just have fun doing your cool shit while you are doing your cool shit, then later, say, sometime after five, you can post. That way, no one wants to stab you.
- Your family feud. Please have some dignity. Don’t put that on Facebook. Ya’ll…a minute on your fingertips, forever on the internet. That never goes away. And also…it makes you look super crazy.
- Your political beliefs. Here’s another news flash…part of what makes America great is that I have the freedom to believe pretty much anything I want. But, as a smart American, I also know that no one cares. Seriously. No one cares about your opinion on abortion/president/gay marriage. Especially you, celebrities. Seriously, who gives a shit what Sean Penn thinks about anything other than ordering a pizza during social studies? Why would you listen to what an actor says about the government? While we are at it, why would you care about what I think about the government? Would you ask me or Sean Penn to fix your broken transmission? If you answered yes to that question, then please, by all means call me before our next election…I’ll be happy to tell you who to vote for. Choose what you want to care about and care about it. Don’t damn me for what I think, don’t try and change my mind, don’t believe in something just because your favorite model/actor/football player does. Do your own research and make up your own mind, and then keep it to your fucking self. There is a reason we don’t all stand in a big room and throw our hands up in the air when it’s time for an election. We do it in private. Private, you know that place where we should all be keeping a little more of our stuff.
Ciao Y’all 