Nerd Alert

Last year the hubs and I attended his high school reunion.   This was the second one of his I’ve attended and I always have a blast!  It’s always more fun to attend a high school reunion for a school you didn’t actually go to.  I’m totes the life of the party!  Whilst there, a friend of the hubs (and mine) said, “I had no idea you were a sci-fi geek until your husband told me”…WHAT? I’m sorry, my husband told another human that I:  a.) like sci-fi and b.) I’m a geek.  I’m a sci-fi geek???  This is how my husband describes me to the public???  Do people think I sit around reading graphic novels and watching “Dr. Who “on Netflix???  Do people think that I have read Hitchhikers Guide so many times I can recite it?  Is this the image I portray????  Sweet!!  Mission accomplished.

Now, by now, you know I’m a bit opinionated.  And loud.  And sarcastic.  And occasionally amusing.  But did you also know that I’m a lefty and that my primary mode of transportation as a kid was a unicycle?  Yeah, that’s right, I’m a nerd.  Wanna fight about it? I’m proud of my nerdiness.  In an effort to try and assimilate all non-nerds out there, I thought I’d share some of my nerdest qualities.  Qualities, that up until recently, I thought all people desired.  Seriously, I had no idea that I wasn’t even remotely cool. I thought everyone would want to know that according to Stephen Hawking, if the world continues to keep going at its current population growth rate, by 2600 we will all be standing shoulder to shoulder.  So on the dawn of my 37^th birthday, I’ve realized a couple of things: I like who I am, in fact I think I’m pretty awesome, nerd is the new cool (keep telling yourself that 4 eyes),  and I AM a nerd, a chubby, glasses wearing, bangs hairstyle wearing nerd…and here’s just a few reasons  why:

1.  Genetics.  Big surprise here, my parents are nerds.  Well, at least one of them is.  And he’s the one I idolized as a kid which can probably explain my love of Dr. Who; Star Trek; and pretty much the whole genre.  I can’t believe I’m about to admit this; but, back in the day, my mother was the coolest one in our house (excuse me while the hubs rushes me to the ER for a quick psychotic break check after just writing, nay, thinking those words).  I’m back, just a slight mental break.  Fine now…where was I?  Oh yes, mom cool, dad, big geek, made me one too.  I remember rushing down to the beach for the weekend so that we could get there in time for dad to catch “V” on the tele.  He also played the violin and the harpsichord…which, I, in turn attempted with epic failure.  Can you imagine, me in my Dorothy Hamill haircut trying to play a freaking violin?  I can’t even clap in rhythm, much less learn actual songs on instruments.  However, I can recite the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard.  True story.  Both my mother and  sister-in-law suggested I go on that TV show where you have to remember the lyrics and I totes would have except for the part about having no rhythm and the inability to carry a tune in a bucket. 
2. Unicycles.  I rode one as a kid, as did my brothers and a bunch of my friends.  We had a club.  We rode in parades.  It happened.  We wore blue shirts with a picture of a unicycle on the front. 
3. First IQ test at 3…which lead to skipping a portion of kindergarten which lead to me being younger than anyone in my class.  I remember the lady who gave me the test.  Had to go to the big city of Hartsville and take it at Coker College.  I remember my parents telling me that I wouldn’t be able to drive or date at the same time as my other classmates…I also remember being 3 so I was like, what’s dating and driving a car? My mother still has the test results in a filing cabinet in her garage…swear to God, my brothers and I found them a couple of years ago along with all the other crap my parents don’t need in their garage. 
4. Zombies. I can say with the utmost confidence that I have read over 75% of books in print that belong in the zombie genre.  And, as per, the books are always WAY better than the movies (I’m talking to you, “World War Z”).  I can talk to you about them for the better part of a day, maybe even a week.  I threw a viewing party for my favorite zombie show and then decided that next year I won’t be doing that because no one would shut the fuck up and watch the show like I wanted them to.  I once explained the pathology of the zombie virus as evidenced by a book I read called The Zombie Autopsies (highly recommend BTW) to a doctor that I work with for 45 minutes and when I was done all he could say was, “wow, you sure know a lot about that”…yes, yes I do.  I’m not saying my chubby, out of shape ass will last longer than 90 seconds in the impending zombie apocalypse but let’s just say I have a bug out plan, a room under my stairs filled with supplies and lots of bludgeoning weapons in the house.  I also have a long sleeve t-shirt that says, “Keep calm and hide behind Daryl”.  Not to worry, the hubs won’t let me wear it out of the house.  But I break that sucker out on Sunday nights, believe you me!  My seasonal depression revolves not around the actual seasons, rather all of the supernatural television shows I’m obsessed with.  Which brings me to…
5. Nerd shows.  Like most things I’m into, I commit!   If it’s about zombies, rogue viruses, super heroes with bows and arrows, weird goings on in a small northern town and even weirder goings on in a small French town, a time traveling, ever changing doctor, or going where ‘no man has gone before’ I’m watching it! I’m not only watching it, I’m watching the show that comes on after it where other people talk about what just happened on that show.  Then I’m going on line and following their Instagram, blogs, websites, I’m liking them on Facebook…it’s a problem.  If there are books/comics/graphic novels that the shows are based on, I’m definitely reading those!  I have to wait until the hubs falls asleep to watch my time traveling friend on Netflix, the hubs says he can’t, he just can’t do it.  He’s missing out.  When my friend texts me, the alert is, “EXTERMINATE!!”.   Yeah, that’s right, I paid for that too.  Best 1.99 I’ve spent in a while. 
6.  Douglas Adams.  He’s kinda my hero.  For those of you non-nerds out there reading this, Douglas Adams is responsible for one of the best books, nay, series of all time.  Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is a perfect piece of literature.  Anytime any of my friends tell me they are having a baby and/or getting a pet, I always suggest they name said pet/child “Slartibartfast”.  Most of my friends just ignore this as they are very accustomed to me saying strange things.  I have read that book so many times, I can practically recite it.  For those of you out there that have never read this book, I’ll lend you my copy.  It’s a bit worn.  I’ve been obsessively planning my next tattoo which will include the following: a whale, a bowl of petunias, and the words “Don’t Panic”.  Mom’s real proud.  Douglas Adams also wrote for “Dr. Who” (please see #5) so again, I heart him.  He was brilliant, funny, and sarcastic.  A man after my own heart. 
7. Facts.  Did you know that now 35% of people are born without wisdom teeth?  Or the fact that while void of sound, space has a smell?  How about the recent discovery that your musical preferences are established by the time you are 14 (and yes, I just listened to Motley Crue this am, who, BTW have one of the greatest lyrics of all time in one of their classic tunes, “girl don’t go away mad, girl just go away”. This is the line I sing in my head when pretty much anyone in the general population tries to speak to me).  Did you know that designers are coming out with cartons that change colors as your food nears its expiration date?  Or that in New Mexico there is a huge mass grave of unsold Atari cartridges and consoles?  What about this mind blowing fact: flamingos are naturally white but because of their brine shrimp and blue-green algae diet they turn pink.  I’ll wait while you put your brain back together after it being blown and all.  Did you know that some cats have an allergy to humans?  Or that the higher pitched your voice is as a woman, the more fertile you are?  I even know random facts about my arch enemy, the dolphin (see my blog post, “Dolphins are Assholes”).  Dolphins, those slick bastards, talk in their sleep and do you know what they sound like when they talk in their sleep?  Whales!  Now, right about now, you might be wondering why I know all these ridiculous, yet quite entertaining facts.  The answer to that is: I read nerd magazines.  Did you even know nerds had their own magazines?  Well they do, and if you haven’t picked up the latest copy of “Mental Floss” then you are missing out on some necessary reading. 
8. Science!!  I fucking love science.  In other lives I was the following in the following order: astronomer, marine biologist, microbiologist, virologist.  When I’m not reading about zombies and space/time travel, I’m reading about science.  First of all, I do come by it honestly.  My dad boasts the world’s largest collection of “National Geographic” magazines.  And if any of ya’ll remember my childhood home, you will recall that they were EVERYWHERE!  We still can’t convince dad that they don’t need to be saved.  We even got him the whole collection on CD-rom and he still won’t budge.  I also, oddly used to read my dad’s medical journals that came to the house.  So while ya’ll were looking at “Highlights” I was reading up on the latest treatment for strep and looking at pictures of rashes.  Is that weird? Well, I don’t care if it is…first of all, too late, I’m already fucked up and secondly, I found it really interesting.   Hindsight being what it is an all, I can’t believe I didn’t study science in college…what was I thinking?  Oh, yeah, I like to get drunk and not study…mystery solved.  (please note that nursing school was an entirely different deal-there was much drinking but also a LOT of studying and stress which let’s be honest, just led to more drinking). 
9. Music.  With the same amount of vigor I apply to books, I also apply to music.  Again, lyrics, I know them.  All.  I can also tell you what the album cover looks like, when it was released and what I was doing the first time I heard the song/album.  First time I kissed a boy, “Paradise City” was playing (how bad ass is that?).  You would totes want me on your music trivia team.  Though, to be honest, you REALLY want the hubs on your music trivia team.  He has over 35 version of “Our Friends Electric” on his iPod.  I’m not joking.  I’ve heard them all.  A number of times.  I own a RUSH t-shirt which I am allowed to wear out of the house and I do.  Don’t judge me.  Wanna know what’s on in the back ground as I write this?  Judas Priest.  My friend and I used to sit around and cut out pictures of all the hair bands and make books!  Best sleepovers ever!  My walls were covered in Skid Row and GnR posters.  And then I found them, the best rock band of all time, the Cult.  Yeah, that’s right, the Cult.  I fucking love them and I just saw them in concert last year and they fucking kicked more ass than a donkey!  The downside, because I’m old, I was literally deaf for 2 days after.  2 days!  Totally worth it!  I know it’s not cool to like the Cult.  I know they are cheesy as shit and their lead singer is about the craziest thing to come out of music since Jim Morrison (who I also was obsessed with), but I still love them and will continue to celebrate their entire collection. 
10. Movies.  I’ve seen “The Dark Crystal” a thousand times.  Used to own it.  The first movie I remember seeing in the theatre was a Star Trek movie.  True story, the movie reel melted (remember when we all watched movies on reels?) during the scene where the worm crawls into an ear, and it scarred me for life.  Thanks mom and dad.  You know how most girls like to watch rom-coms?  Well, this girl likes to watch sci-fi movies.  And movies about zombies.  Or space travel.  Or time travel.  Girl meets her dream prince and they live happily ever after.  Not interested.  Alien virus infects thousands and makes them devour the rest of the humans.  Absolutely!  If the “Fifth Element” is on TV, all activity ceases and I watch.  Can’t pass it up.  Can’t do it.  Next time you are looking at your guide and you see that it is on, even if it started 45 minutes ago, I dare you not to watch it.  That’s the nerd litmus test…will you pass?