I don’t know what its like in the rest of the world, but here in the south, we take being a bridesmaid VERY seriously…well, let me clarify that statement. Brides take being a bridesmaid very seriously. As for the rest of us, it’s just something that we have to do before we can get to the free booze and food at your reception. Being a bridesmaid is something that I’m somewhat of an expert in. Which is ironic, because I literally hate all things wedding related. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m a happily married gal who will celebrate her 10th wedding anni later this spring. But I was kind enough, when I got married, to only make one friend suffer. I chose not to “return the favor” and have a gaggle of women standing next to me on my magical day. I’ve been in some weddings where the wedding party was bigger than the audience…what’s up with that?
I started this fantastic taffeta and hideous dress nightmare at the ripe young age of 15 (insert redneck teen wedding joke here). The bride, in fact was my parent’s best friend’s daughter who is a bit older than me. Complicating matters, I was over 400 hundred miles away at boarding school (more on that later), making things like fittings and showers difficult to get to. When my parents flew me into town for the wedding weekend, my mom took me straight to the seamstress where we discovered that adolescents had grown my boobs a whole cup size since I’d last tried the dress on. Fantastic…the tensil strength of teal taffeta is one of the strongest in the world as evidence by the fact that the fabric did not tear and rip me out of that dress like some kind of teal teen Hulk enraged at the altar.
Now, some time over 20 years later, I have had quite the storied career as a bridesmaid. And I’ve come to several conclusions…
1. It’s not an honor. It’s an expensive bar tab. And I will be making up for that at the reception…you’ve been warned.
2. No, we can’t wear it again, ever.
3. It’s not the greatest day of our lives…it’s yours, as well it should be. So stop it already with the web based countdowns and sites and apps and group texts.
4. I’m 36 and married…the jig is up. I don’t need to be displayed for the town’s eligible men. Plus, I look terrible in a strapless hunter green raw silk tea length dress with mary janes dyed to the same color, so even if I was looking…this isn’t helping my situation.
5. Men can’t zip up bridesmaid dresses. Fact. That little intersection of the zipper and the seam, they can’t do it. If you ever want to hide something from your husband, stick it in a bridesmaid dress. They’re terrified of them. So when you need to try the dress on at home and you don’t share an apartment with 4 of your besties because you’ve been married for 10 years, there is no one to help you see if the damn thing fits.
6. That dress that looks good on your 22 year old cousin, doesn’t look good on your fat 36 year old friend.
7. Having pockets in the dress does soften the blow a tad.
8. False eyelashes, romantic tendrils and a shit ton of makeup aren’t really my thing. I didn’t wear them at my wedding, and I don’t really want to wear them at yours. Just sayin.
9. I can, but don’t really want to cover my tattoos so your judgemental mother can stop giving me the stink eye. That’s part of the reason I have visible tattoos so that ya’ll will stop asking me to be in your weddings.
and finally…
10. YES. Yes I will be your stupid bridesmaid. Because I love you and I love love and I want you to be happy you fucking whore. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for any of these crazy bitches that have made up the inventory of the world’s worst dress shop that resides in a dark corner of my closet. I will go to your showers, and talk to your aunt. I will reply to your 750 texts a day to placate your anxiety about your big day. I will distract your mother as you take yet another Ativan. I will tell you are the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen, because it’s true. I will drag my husband all over this land and make him have a good time. I will take the day off work and watch you try of 47,000 dresses at 8 different locations, just to buy the first one your tried, you know the one at that other dress shop an hour away. I will get you that rice spoon that you will need in case you have to serve a shit load of rice to a bunch of fancy people. I will arrive at the church fully dressed in all my regalia 5 hours before the wedding of which I had to cab it as not to have 2 cars at the wedding because no way in hell is the hubs spending ANY more time at a church that he has to. I will wear your rhinestone proudly. I will hang out with your friends and talk to your out of town cousin that’s weird and smells a little. I will do ALL of these things, and trust me, many, many more all because you asked. And I love you. And (maybe most importantly) because you WILL have an open bar at your reception, because if you didn’t, we wouldn’t be friends in the first place.
Ciao Y’all 